Friday, February 2, 2007

Sorrow may last for the night ~ but joy comes with the morning...

Aaron's dad called lastnight and told us that Fenny tried everything to get the girls out of the country, but it is not going to work.... The government feels that they will be willing to allow us to have the girls if they were younger, but since they are almost 5 and 4 years old, they feel the girls are very much part of Indonesia and it would be too hard for them to adjust to a new culture and a new language. I have some thoughts on why that is just not true, but it's pointless to talk abou that now...

My heart aches because we really followed God on this one and we obeyed Him the best we know how. He changed our hearts to accept toddlers when that wasn't our initial plan and there were so many confirmations along the road. I still know God took us down this road... the part that is a mystery is "Did you have to take us down THIS road?" I know that with more time spent with the Lord, I will get the answers to these questions, but for today, my heart aches that these girls will never be part of our family. My heart aches that these girls may never know what it's like to have parents. I look at their faces and think "Could this really be Your plan, God?" I don't know anything... the more I know God, the more I realize, I don't know much... the verse that pops up in my mind is in 1 Corinthians 13:12... Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know is partial and imcomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now. I know that as for me and Aaron, we were following God... even fighting for these girls was part of God's plan... But just because these girls can't join our family, doesn't mean we weren't supposed to be fighting... we are fighting for something... but now, I only see things imperfectly... I don't see the BIG picture. Maybe in 6 months all this will make more sense.

Despite my grief, I still trust in My God... in fact, my love for Him is deeper today because of this experience. Only He is able to comfort me and I am going to take up on His offer to heal my heart. He has already begun healing it and I know He will finish it. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.... Oh, what COMFORT! God will heal this ache and when the healing is done, I will be even closer to Him.

Aaron's dad did say that Fenny was going to try to find us a newborn ... apparently, they get calls from hospitals all the time asking if they would take a newborn that a new mom is relinquishing. He said that there would not be a problem getting a newborn out of the country and that is what he will work on for us.... For now, I just want to rest... not plan ahead, just REST. Lord, You know exactly who is meant to join our family. We didn't seek after these girls to be part of our family.... they just came out of nowhere.... we know that there is a purpose in why you allowed us to go through this. We will abide in You and rest. Amen.


Mark and Rebecca said...

I am so sorry to read this Pam. Know that my heart just aches for you as I know that you truly felt as though God was directing on this path. Your family will be in our prayers.

Your faith is an example for us. Know that those you encounter are blessed by your faith, love and vulnerability.

Blessings to you,

Leslie said...

How sad I am right now to hear this news Pam. I have no words really to comfort you. I'm in shock. I'm so so sorry, and I know your such a wonderful person, that you will know God's Graces so very soon.

Yes, Please just rest, and take a break from everything. You and your family will be kept in our prayers.

Praying for you guys,

Theresa and Brad said...

I am so sorry, Pam. I am very sad for you, and am at the same time inspired by your faithfulness.

Donna said...

I'm so sad to read this, Pam. I'm with you, I know nothing in comparison to God's unending wisdom and knowledge. I'm thankful that you're resting in Him and allowing him to heal your hearts. I'll pray for you.

Lisa said...

Up until today I didn't even know this was a possibilty for you and your family. I am so sorry you will not be able to adopt these girls. It will be interesting to see what God has planned for you. Your faithfulness is ispiring to me. I hope I can strive to be as faithful as you!