Monday, September 24, 2007

Disappointing email

I received an email from mom this morning about how their trip has been going so far.... they just returned from Manado, a town on the island of Sulawesi.... it is this town's hospital that Susi & Fenni have contacted to ask about a newborn girl. This is a town that Mom & Dad have never been to and it happened to come about that there was a need for them to minister there.... I had high expectation that when they were ministering there, God would orchestrate that they find our baby girl. I know it is crazy but everything really seemed to line up that way.... from the figurine given to me last December, to mom & dad being there right when the baby will be due (based on figurine).... and the increased faith God has been giving me about believing for a child from there.....

well, the email from mom talked about the bad roads in Manado, the meetings there, but no mention of a God-orchestrated meeting.... at the end of the email, it said "Talked to Susi and Fenni.... they have no word on a girl"

I don't know why that sounds so FINAL to me, but my heart just sank.... I am still trying to get myself UP from it. Maybe instead of trying to get myself "up"... I need to ask God to do it.

Maybe all of the "signs" were really not anything at all and I had put my hopes too much in those "things" and not enough in God Himself who wants to talk to me every minute... maybe I replaced "signs" for just plain 'ole relationship and asking HIM what He's doing. I think I am disappointed because I might have been wrong in what I thought was God.....

Aaron said something so simple yet profound.... He said "I think the signs were from God.... but I think God wants you to use the signs to build up FAITH but just rely on Him daily and when the road turns a way you're not sure it should, just ask Him.. "What are you doing right now, and how can I follow you?" So, today, I am laying it all down.... the "signs" the "dreams" the faith, the country of Indonesia. I no longer claim to know where our daughters will come from. I will leave that up to God.... I don't want to get so focused on "specifics" (i.e., due dates, Indonesia, etc...) that I MISS God if He were to present to me an opportunity that He is giving us. God, I don't know what You're doing and I will follow the road you have for me. I will not focus on things, but I will focus on YOU. I welcome any plans that seem like "change of plans" from my perspective. Adoption is something you laid in my heart and I don't want to limit you on how or where our children will come from. Heal my heart ~ let me Hear Your voice today. In Jesus' name.