Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I wonder where you are....

I am sitting here, just finished researching online about Manado, North Sulawesi... the area that Suzi and Fenny felt our baby might come from. Today, I feel as if this could never happen... it's too big, too many complications... and even as I write this, China adoptions are slowing down to a screeching halt.. They only referred 2 days worth of LIDs this month... wow, TWO DAYS... that's not exactly the speed up we've been praying for... Although, I know God is good and He has a plan. Today, I had an especially hard day wondering what in the world is happening... I want to either know this Indonesia thing is going to happen or let it go completely... I just can't do it... it's so hard. I hate NOT knowing. God, the amazing thing is YOU DO. Can you let me in on a secret? Maybe I can't be trusted... I don't know. Is she born yet? Is her name to be Annie? Do we have an Annie? Do we even have a Selah? I just don't know. It is humanly impossible for us to adopt from Indonesia... our I-171H expires March 2008 and fingerprints expire Oct 2007. Will it happen before then? Was all of this wasted time, energy, emotion and money? Why have we been led down this path? Do I dare ask you, God? or should I be afraid of the answer... I really should if I really knew You... You are the one who shaped the heavens... you call out the stars by name... I was not around when you created the heavens and the earth... you never consulted me about what to do with lions or Sea turtles... I don't know how to tame an animal... I barely know who I am... All I know is... YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE.... that is so true... All I know is You love me... when I feel uncertain of whether I heard you right or not, I can cling to the verse you gave me about you being father to the fatherless, defender of widows... that is YOU, God, Your dwelling is HOLY. You set the lonely in families (you did that with me)... You bring HOPE to the hopeless. God, I cling to the hem of your garment... I won't let go until You BLESS me. OK, I know that's what YOU want for me, so I am here... I'll CLING, You GIVE :)